she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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