I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
