I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
