sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
my shit smells like andre
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
