i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
