I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
