so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
