maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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