I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
