she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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