cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize