Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
