yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Someone signed my nipple.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
