im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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