I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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