Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
