I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
