Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I am spending my child support on dildos
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
The convent might be a nice break from real life
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