I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
She said her name was "party"
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I just googled if crying burns calories
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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