I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
