I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
