He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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