I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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