If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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