You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
