I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
