i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
