just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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