So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Randomize
