Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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