So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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