Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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