WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
