haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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