Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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