omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
i've created a new STD.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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