Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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