we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
