I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
