Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
