It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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