well I can't set my house on fire every night
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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