i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Everclear isn't food dammit
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
The air taste purple.
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