My girlfriend figured out who you are.
he thought i was a dude.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
