Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
