Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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