Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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