i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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