Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
