he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Randomize
