I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
