you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
