i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I will be naked everywhere
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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