Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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