I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
