I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
