I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
