Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
