so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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