Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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