No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
