i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
